Where should I begin? It must be awkward for you to read this, considering that we haven't spoken in what feels like ages. Are you curious as to what I am about to say? Are you, nervous? Well, don't be. I've got a feeling that this letter will take you awhile to finish, so grab a cuppa and get comfy, if that'll help ease your nerves a little.
Welcome to
your tape my side of the story.
Nobody, including myself, knew what happened that caused your sudden eruption of hatred for me. You claimed it was due to a series of past events that accumulated your hate, or "dislike" as you might like to call it, since you don't wish to sound like the hateful person you are, for me. You blew it up early this year as if I've finally done something that you could no longer take, but as far as I'm concerned, I haven't spoken to you or even have a glance at your face since our trip to Malaysia in mid-December 2016. Unless I have the ability to upset you without even doing anything related to you, this simply means 2 things. One, whatever I did to piss you off happened before 2017, and two, you're a two-headed snake. Which, who am I kidding, is not surprising.
I believe that when a problem occurs in a relationship, it
always take two hands to clap. Take a moment to digest this, because I know in your life, you're always the one who's "right", regardless. I'm not avoiding the fact that I may not be the best friend you can get, but neither am I shouldering all the blame. You probably didn't expect things to turn out this way, all you wanted was to make me as miserable as you are, and you were probably quite certain that I would have kept my mouth shut about our friendship because of all people, you'd know that I dislike confrontations and dramas. But I didn't, which was why you clearly panicked when I questioned. Unlike you, I'm not throwing myself a pity party today. I just figured out that it's time for me to stand up for myself. I'm not the kind of person who likes to rake up unhappy events from the past and dwell over it, but you seem to love it as a side dish to compliment your main victim-playing role. So I'm giving you a treat today by serving up the events here for you, just as how you'd like them, juicy.
There is a theory claiming that people will always remember that one mistake you made, rather than the 100 good things you did. You made it sound like I did you wrong, and I was a terrible friend to you. Well I supposed you may have forgotten the 100 good things I have done for you and our friendship, so let me refresh your memory. Remember who organized and planned your entire 21st birthday? Oh hey, it's me. I took the time to make your invitation cards and gathered all your friends together to surprise you, if you forgotten. Remember who accompanied you to the police station when you got cheated by a random boy online? Me. Remember who let you into her group of friends when nearly half of your secondary 3 classmates hated you? Me. Remember who took the time to sit there and watch you cry over a foreign old man you loved but he already had a girlfriend back in his home country? Me. Remember who had your best interest and told you to stop messing around with boys who were just playing? Me- Oh wait. In your books, that's not a good thing because a true friend would have supported you in everything including sneaking a boy home, but I didn't.
I suppose you were a great friend to me. After I told you to stop getting touchy with the boys you just met in club, you had to distort my words of concern, tell the entire world, and make them think that I was calling you easy. You pulled out your favourite victim card and within minutes, your friends were telling me to mind my own business because "it's not your life, why do you care so much". Maybe I cared because you were my friend. Are you going to tell the world your mother is not a supportive mother if she had told you to stop? Unfortunately, that thought didn't manage to cross your thick skull.
In 2012 - 2013, I've heard that back in 2010 you told your friend, J, whom you later on hated, that I'm not a good person before you introduced us to one another. I don't know why you did that. But because of your remark about me, J confessed that it made a negative impression on me. She ended up being close friends with our mutual friend F, whom she told about what you said, and in addition, she also thinks I'm a better person than you are, after she got to know me better. I've never said a word to you about this. I didn't want you to feel bad about something you did years back, it could have been a mistake, why would I trust J instead of you, my close friend? But it shouldn't come as a shock to me that something like that happened with you. We were very close friends who talked a lot. You literally talked shit about the girls you are now "best friends" with, so why was that a shocker. You put a heart in your Instagram caption for your photo with them while you tell me about how much they get on your nerves. Classy.
Oh, and how about that time when WL and I got drunk and all you did was throw us by the pavement and whine about how badly you want to go back in the club to party? Maybe to you, that is how a good friend should've acted. But in my books, a good friend would have understood that we were upset which was why we ended up getting drunk and a good friend would have taken care of us and made sure to get us home safely.
As you should know by now, I questioned our mutual friends to see if they knew your reason for hating me. Like I said, nobody knew exactly what happened, so they could only take guesses. Surprisingly, as if they were all telepathically connected, they all made the exact same guess. If this was a game in the casino, I'd win the jackpot. Everyone presumed that you hated me out of jealousy, and you are jealous of me. I was baffled, and for awhile I refused to acknowledge it as a valid guess, because despite you thinking that I am, I am in fact not a narcissist. Obviously, I had to ask why, hating a friend out of jealousy just seems so bizarre to me and I'm sure you are curious too.
"Your life is much more meaningful than hers" "You have a good relationship with your boyfriend" "You get so many free stuff as a Youtuber" "You're prettier" "She's unhappy with her own life, which is why she can't stand seeing you happy".
I chuckled. That's ridiculous, I told them. But the grass is always greener on the other side.
I thought about what they said, and now I am convinced. I have pretty good memory you know. Remember how you always end up disliking your best friends whenever they have a boyfriend? It happened to your best friend in secondary school, it happened to your best friend in polytechnic, it happened to me. Our friendship clearly went downhill the moment I got a boyfriend and the problem was not us prioritizing our boyfriends before you. The problem was you who simply cannot feel happy for us. Remember how you used to constantly text my boyfriend when he was chasing me? Remember how you got lesser likes on that dating app as compared to my friend X? "I'm not a Youtuber, or Blogger" was what you said, almost immediately. Hilarious, I'm not in the competition girl, and if you think being a Youtuber can get you more likes on a flipping dating app... Let me just say, no. Remember the time you posted a photo of the both of us on Instagram and your friends kept commenting about how pretty I looked? You'd think a good friend will agree that your friend looks great, but somehow you took it like a personal insult and had to even tweet out that you are insecure and it was insensitive of them to comment that.
Instagram comments... Yes. Remember all the Instagram comments you deleted just because you couldn't take a little joke? You take every single disagreement as a betrayal, every little joke as a personal attack, while you go around calling people stupid and idiotic. You think the world revolves around me? No, you expect it to revolve around you but weird enough, your world revolves around me. You hate me, but you couldn't stop keeping yourself updated with my life. You had to get something out of me to put me down. You blamed me for everything that doesn't go your way because it gives you a temporary high to know that you're not at fault for what your life had turned out to be, miserable. Remember the rooms allocation for our Malaysia trip? You flipped. "Why do you and G get to be in the same room?" was what you said, even though we were not the only couple who got to stay together, you had to push the blame on me. Little did you know that the boys were saying things like "that's the best allocation, don't have to ask her, just allocate!" in our own chat while I constantly tell them that we'd better ask you first. I was the only one who bothered replying you when you asked, because the rest of them were just going "LOL why her reaction so big?" in our separate chat. They were taken back by you overreacting, as usual, which was why they ended up agreeing with everything you wanted. And if you think we were doing things your way because we are afraid of you, think again. We merely gave the baby a pacifier to stop it from making any more noise.
You posted an old photo of us on my timeline wishing me a Happy Birthday on my 24th birthday (21st December 2016). That was how hypocritical you are. That was a lowly act of yours and you think I didn't know. Well, to be fair, I didn't. Because I replied, I was thankful, and I even told my sister that I was moved that you made the effort to dig out that photo and even posted it on my timeline. I told her that you were perhaps, missing the times when we were close too. Welp. You were obviously not because my friends started texting me asking about why would you use such a bad photo of me and your caption was simply "Happy birthday!". Even after I replied thanks, you didn't bother to say anything else. That is how pretentious you are. Of course, kept my mouth shut again because I don't feed on dramas.
I honestly thought you will grow out of it. But apparently there are people who regress in maturity and you're sadly, a perfect example. If you haven't heard by now, you have been muted in my timelines, literally everywhere on social media, for about 9 months now, which is why you haven't seen my name on your list of Instagram story viewers in so long (while you consistently appear in mine...). I didn't mute you because I hate you, I'm not you, and to be fair, you were not the only one who got muted. I muted you because I wasn't interested in your childish rants, shady, and meaningless updates. Basically, I wasn't interested in any of the dramas you directed anymore. At 25, I have better things to read. I don't have all the time in the world to linger around my timelines, reading every single post because I actually have better things to do than to stir up meaningless friendship dramas. Moreover, you love horror things and you know I'm not the biggest fan of that, the last thing I'd want is a poster of a ghost in the middle of my timeline.
If you think taking my friends away from me will make me upset, for once, you are right. I said I don't have time for friendship issues. Well, maybe I do have time. But I'd rather spend it on things and on people who are actually worth it. Thanks to you, I found out who my true friends are which turns out to be a blessing in disguise. Nobody is perfect, what more a "perfect friend". A true friend is one who understands you, one who puts you in the right path, one who knows your flaws but accepts them, regardless. It's clear that you're only binge hanging out with them to shove it in my face that they left me for you, which is pathetic for a 25 year old don't you think? At the end of the day, you might even go home, paranoid, thinking if they will betray you one day. Think about it, if I'm jealous of your friendship with them, I'd actually wish I'm you. But let's be real... We all know who we'd rather be.
Well, this open letter is not to trigger another wave of hate, but for you to know that I have moved on, and I sincerely hope you to do too. It's a lengthy letter, but I figured out that since this would be my last note to you, might as well make it worthwhile. Maybe I did some terrible things in the past that hurt you, but didn't you? Whatever major disputes we had happened when we were teens, when we were basically kids. I'm not afraid to admit that I've made some really stupid choices when I was a teen, but people grow up.
I know you didn't, but people do actually grow up and they learn from their mistakes by making sure not to do it again, not hold on to it so you can throw a pity party in the future. We have known each other for nearly half of our lives and it's shocking for me to know that for all these years, you've been living in a bubble full of hate and despair. The grudges you held in your heart, the "past events that accumulated" hate has shadowed you throughout these years, it's time to let go, of me. Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting, forgiving is doing yourself a favour, because hate turns you into an ugly person, and it's exhausting isn't it? I'm not fishing for my well-deserved apology from you, but do yourself a favour. I may look as though I am living the life you want, that is, if you are truly jealous of me, but everyone has their own struggles. Just because some people aren't as vocal about their problems as you are, doesn't mean they don't have any. I've said what needed to be said, I genuinely wish you'll learn to love yourself one day. If you still find the need to keep up this drama, all I can say is, whichever path you choose to take in life, remember that you chose it and there's no one else to blame but yourself. Have a good day, even though I know I've already ruined your day, week maybe.
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